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15 days until I go home. This week has been killer. Emotions have been at an all time high as I suffer from little sleep, overworking, and hard decisions that need to be made very very soon that will determine the next steps of life. I've lost motivation and the will to discern what's right and wrong these days. If I can just make it through the day without collapsing I've accomplished a lot.
Yesterday I thought I was at my end, and for good reason. Evaluations and observations are no minor business. I've decided that teachers are the most underrated people on the planet. They are the most overworked and unappreciated. Screw the phrase, "those who can't do teach." Its just the opposite in my opinion. You have to be quite a person to teach. And not to say that I'm quite a person. I've barely scratched the surface of what it looks like to be a good teacher. Yet of all the jobs (all two of them) I'd have to say this is the one I fit like a glove in. Ironically, its the one I've made the most mistakes with, the one I've cried the most, and have had the least confidence with. Yet somehow, this is the exact place the Lord has decided to use me. I can also say that I've never worked with more gracious, compassionate, loving people. Nobody gossips about one another. That does not exist. Instead everyone uplifts everyone. There is no room for discouragement here. There is only room for compassion, grace, and encouragement. I know I would have died without this community here. And I'm thrilled to be a part of it.
I came home broken and frustrated with the tasks I still have yet to accomplish that just keep unexpectedly announcing themselves to me. And I realized something so very ironic...so so humiliating and ironic...
When I focus on nothing else but control, when I so badly try to control my every move and task something always seems to happen...
I lose control. I literally 'lose it'. I'm an emotional wreck and I have no concept of turning to God. I go into a total state of panic. All because I wanted control.
How humiliating, ironic, and an unbelievable blessing.
Because supposedly I say I don't believe I have control but God does. Yet how I fight daily, hourly, the nature of my character to devise control constantly.
Right now, I am in a place where I am realizing more and more the depth of the Kingdom, the reality of calling, and the cost of the cross. It's more than an adventure to a far off land. It's more than a one year thing, and then I've paid my dues. It's a life of the unexpected and of daily submitting control.
It's for life. Until the day He, the Restorer, the Deliverer returns and makes everything new.
There's too much work to be done. There's no time to say, "I've done enough, and now I don't have to do it anymore." or "I can take a break from Kingdom work."
No, we can't just go on a trip for a year or a service and return and think our calling is complete.
Who would have thought so many people could live in such a small country like Korea? And how much more people are there in all parts of the world...and if we believe this whole world is God's, why do we give up on it? There's just too much work to be done.
I'm realizing the weight of such a life. The sacrifices it takes. The fact that this life is not my own and its not for me. My desires and goals are not something to dismiss, but also not anything to hold on to. Although I want to so bad. I don't want to let go of what my heart longs for. But if they are truly in line with the Kingdom-work God has for me, I can let go with certainty of his faithfulness.
I will leave this journal now with David Crowder's "Shine" lyrics, that saved me this week.
Send me a sign, a hint, a whisper.
Throw me a line, because I am listening.
Come break the quiet.
Breathe your awakening.
Bring me to life, because I am fading.
Surround me with the rush of angels wings.
Shine your light so I can see You.
Pull me up, I need to be near You.
Hold me, I need to feel love.
Can you overcome this heart that's overcome?
You sent a sign, a hint, a whisper.
Human divine, heaven is listening.
Death laid love quiet.
Yet in the night a stirring.
All around the rush of angels.
Shine your light so I can see You.
Pull me up, I need to be near You.
Hold me, I need to feel love.
Can you overcome this heart that's overcome?
Oh, the wonder of the greatest love has come.
Shine your light so ALL can see it.
Lift it up, because the WHOLE WORLD needs it.
Love HAS COME! What a joy to hear it.
He HAS OVERCOME.
He has overcome.
I'll land in the states July 17th and be there for a short while. See you then.
