Lord, all i want is You. and i don't want it through mystical prayer or sweet smells. and i don't want it by arts and crafts and the pursuit of 'thrifty' or 'organic' or a 'healthy' life. and i don't want it through romance, passion, and human love. or through mountains, oceans, or cottages in the woods. no, not even in an intellectual, theological, or practical job. or through mourning death or celebrating life. no, not in the best worship song. i don't want it through all the unique ministries in the world, nor places in the world i may still go. or in other tongues and different world views. or in the best foods or fasting days. or in the beautiful sunrises and the bright stars found only in the countryside...or in the joys of family, friendship, community, and beloved...
no...none of these, though fair and right. though created for glory and worship and love. though enjoyed by all and made right in You; though pursued by the lost, the found. the blind, the sight, the elect, the wolves, the hopeless and hopeful, the love and the alone...
without You, Jesus. true faith. true love. true rest. true Want...its nothing. its the life for the cynic. its useless, vain, fleeting. its for but a moment. strip it away, and find me a desperate creature.
that's all i want.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
what really matters
There's a lot on my mind right now. Going home in two months. Need a job and going to finish school. Leaving here is slowly starting to sink in. And there's so much more. But after being in places like this...all I can think is:
"praise the LORD! praise the LORD from the heavens; praise him in the heights! praise him, all his angels; praise him, all his hosts! praise him, sun and moon, praise him, all you shining stars! praise him, you highest heavens, and you waters above the heavens! let them praise the name of the LORD! for he commanded and they were created. and he established them forever and ever; he gave a decree, and it shall not pass away. praise the LORD from all earth, you great sea creatures and all deeps, fire and hail, snow and mist, stormy wind fulfilling his word! mountains and all hills, fruit trees and all cedars! beasts and all livestock, creeping things and flying birds! kings of all earth and all peoples, princes and all rulers of the earth! young men and maidens together, old men and children! let them praise the name of the LORD, for his name alone is exalted; his majesty is above earth and heaven. he has raised up a horn for his people, praise for all his saints, for the people of israel who are near to him. praise the LORD!" -psalm 148
and my heart just breaks for those who see and experience these same places, and have no connection to their Maker.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
"when we wait, we rest."
"fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! for they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb. trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. he will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. for the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land."
it's hard sometimes living in a country where it is so easy to get by with little effort. where quality isn't as important as appearance of quality and hard work is only bribed. its easy to feel cynical. but how useless! how sad is a cynic's heart. frustration, jealousy, anger...how hopeless when abused. there's a time to be upset, and it is good to be angry at injustice and frustrated with the wicked, but they are not to be abused and worshiped by turning into worry or "fret."
francis chan spells out "worry" and "stress" like this:
"worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives. stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. both worry and stress reek of arrogance. they declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small indeed."
the truth is, it doesn't matter what country you live in or where you work. some people will always cut corners, and get by with little work. frustrations and anger are inevitable because this world isn't right. but to endure, to trust, delight, and commit to the LORD is to truly rest.
i want to be at rest.
this weekend i visited chungju with sweet friends. i saw the leaves starting to change over the mountains as we rode the ferry on the lake at sunset. if the consistency of creation's beauty creating awe and a common bond with all the son's of God isn't enough confirmation that restoration will surely come, then i'm not sure what is.
"in just a little while, the wicked will be no more; though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there. but the meek shall inherit the land and delight themselves in abundant peace...i have been young, and now am old, yet i have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread. he is ever lending generously, and his children become a blessing. turn away from evil and do good; so shall you dwell forever. for the LORD loves justice; he will not forsake his saints. they are preserved forever, but the children of the wicked shall be cut off. the righteous shall inherit the land and dwell upon it forever...
mark the blameless and behold the upright, for there is a future for the man of peace."
my pastor said it well this morning. "with waiting comes rest. do your best to eliminate hurry from your life."
Monday, October 8, 2012
D-76
well summer came and went and another semester began a whole month and a half ago. since then i've been to japan, a few islands, made a new korean friend who is strongly seeking Jesus, and just having a good time.
in many ways, i wish i was better at finding a flow to things. thats always been my problem with writing. too fragmented. too scattered. like my life. up and down and occasionally in between. some days i feel so alone and ready to leave and start somewhere new without being alone. other days i feel attached to the life i made here.
it really is quite remarkable when i think about it. what has been built since i've been here. i remember when i first ate korean food. went to a noraebong. spoke korean. found a church. the Lord has done great things. when i was home this summer i missed this life every day. when i'm here, i miss the people at home more than anything.
a friend once told me that we weren't meant to always be uprooted. because how then can we grow? she compared me to a tree without roots. for a while i wondered if she was right. and in many ways she is. but i think maybe the more important question is not where to be rooted, but who.
ever since i went to college it seems like i've always been called to a life of transition. and its been a blessing and a curse. but i'm not sure the answer is to be rooted necessarily in one place.
although it is true. if we aren't rooted somewhere we find our hearts constantly unsatisfied. constantly torn among worlds, creating worry: the result of serving two masters.
but there is a place to be rooted. the only place, person, presence. one tabernacle, one covenant, one God all together rooted in the name of Christ. he is the only place to build our roots. some will be called to one place in that name. some will always be moving. regardless, without roots in Christ, there will never be growth. but in him, life is found in abundance and continuity.
when i am distracted from him watering me, i forget who i am and don't grow. instead, i go to other places in my heart. and i worry, put pressure on others and myself especially. too often i find myself in this place. but the days i ask the Spirit's guidance by day, hour and minute i see his water again, and remember who i am. in these moments there are not two worlds, two hearts, two countries, two languages. there's just him and his covenant and tabernacle with all of us.
and this is where i want to be truly rooted. and where i always want to return no matter where i am.
blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he mediates day and night. he is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. in all that he does, he prospers. the wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; for the LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish. -psalm 1
in many ways, i wish i was better at finding a flow to things. thats always been my problem with writing. too fragmented. too scattered. like my life. up and down and occasionally in between. some days i feel so alone and ready to leave and start somewhere new without being alone. other days i feel attached to the life i made here.
it really is quite remarkable when i think about it. what has been built since i've been here. i remember when i first ate korean food. went to a noraebong. spoke korean. found a church. the Lord has done great things. when i was home this summer i missed this life every day. when i'm here, i miss the people at home more than anything.
a friend once told me that we weren't meant to always be uprooted. because how then can we grow? she compared me to a tree without roots. for a while i wondered if she was right. and in many ways she is. but i think maybe the more important question is not where to be rooted, but who.
ever since i went to college it seems like i've always been called to a life of transition. and its been a blessing and a curse. but i'm not sure the answer is to be rooted necessarily in one place.
although it is true. if we aren't rooted somewhere we find our hearts constantly unsatisfied. constantly torn among worlds, creating worry: the result of serving two masters.
but there is a place to be rooted. the only place, person, presence. one tabernacle, one covenant, one God all together rooted in the name of Christ. he is the only place to build our roots. some will be called to one place in that name. some will always be moving. regardless, without roots in Christ, there will never be growth. but in him, life is found in abundance and continuity.
when i am distracted from him watering me, i forget who i am and don't grow. instead, i go to other places in my heart. and i worry, put pressure on others and myself especially. too often i find myself in this place. but the days i ask the Spirit's guidance by day, hour and minute i see his water again, and remember who i am. in these moments there are not two worlds, two hearts, two countries, two languages. there's just him and his covenant and tabernacle with all of us.
and this is where i want to be truly rooted. and where i always want to return no matter where i am.
blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he mediates day and night. he is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. in all that he does, he prospers. the wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; for the LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish. -psalm 1
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