happy seoul days (part 2)

on my birthday I hiked a mountain with my best friend in korea and beautiful co worker Gloria. this woman, ladies and gents, is a gem and I am so grateful for her friendship. it was a beautiful fall day. the weather was perfect for climbing. the trees were all sorts of colors, but the fellowship was the best part. there is nothing better than connecting with our Maker through His beautiful creation and sharing it a sister.

after that I went into seoul to have some well needed fun times with my beautiful seoul friends. we enjoyed a nice Korean dinner, a homemade cake by Katie and Ryan, and topped the night off with noraebong.

the next weekend I went to Busan, in the southern part of South Korea to visit my dear friend Kayse. I never tire of seeing the ocean there and in the fall it is spectacular. we shared some good conversation, watched the cardinals win the world series, and sat on the beach…until the rain came down that is.
we also got a big group together and went out for Halloween. it was a great getaway with good friends.

but everything in the last few months did not compare to the last few days when this gentleman, David flew to Korea from China to see me.

simply put, Joy overflows from me these days. its almost too much for me to bear. sometimes I wonder if we try sabotaging our hearts because we just simply don’t know how to handle all of the grace we’ve been given.
but this is no way to live. its not so impossible. and its always better together.

i want to be well (part 1)

for whatever reason, sufjan’s song ‘impossible soul’ will not leave my head. which is a tad inconvenient since it’s a 25 minute long song. I feel his constant fight with himself. it may be just better to stay in a cage. but in the end we all need each other. but evil is lurking all around. it corrupts even the best gifts. and it is easy to convince ourselves its better to stay imprisoned.
but stupid man in the window. I’ll never be satisfied with such a life. the use of the auto tune in this song only exposes more to me the internal struggle, the fight I have with my soul.
I realize I’m not saying or feeling anything new. I’m no victim. and sufjan gets that. he gets that there is evil in us all. like in the last thing I wrote, we can blame everyone else but in the end we are at fault as well with the corruption around us. some of it is out of our hands, but some of it comes with our choices.

in any case, “we can do much more together.”
there is hope for the impossible soul.
maranatha.

dietrich bonhoeffer’s poem, “who am I” correlated with sufjan’s “impossible” work of art perfectly culminates this reflection.

who am i? they often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a squire from his country house.

who am i? they often tell me
I used to speak to my wanders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.

who am i? they also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

am I then really that which other men tell of?
or am I only what I myself know of myself?
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words, of kindness, for neighbourliness,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint and ready to say farewell to it all.

who am i? this or the other?
am I one person to-day and to-morrow another?
am I both at once? a hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptible woebegone weaking?
or is something within me still like a beaten army
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

who am i? they mock me, these lonely questions o fmine.
whoever I am, thou knowest, o God, I am Thine!

and with that I will also note that my last journal ended a couple of days ago with the lyrics from ‘impossible soul’ while my new one today begins with ‘who am i.’
indeed I pray that as we wrestle with our impossible souls together, we remember that although we may never understand ourselves fully just yet, we know that we are His.

its not so impossible.

musings from the east: an open kardia

I’m sitting at school with little to do and class in three hours. so I pull out my journal and start reading my musing from the last two months of being back in korea. wow. I have a lot of thoughts…crazy thoughts…compelling thoughts…scary thoughts…thoughts I would be terrified of anyone discovering. I have waaaayyyyy too much time to think, and lately I really wonder if I’m going crazy. here’s why.

my school is going through some rough times. when you pursue the Kingdom of God, opposition and persecution is inevitable. as I write this a teacher is standing right in front of me who has been a main source of this persecution. I’m the only one that knows about it, and as I watch him jot some notes and sip his coffee and give a cordial ‘ahn-yeong-ha-se-yo’ I feel so much ache for our school’s plight.

its a typical church split narrative that you hear about. differences of ideas and philosophies that eventually led to what was at first a semi-friendly divide. now, there’s not even a mask of friendliness. students are confused. teachers are leaving. and parents are angry. my own heart is in turmoil.
its so hard to trust anyone. I’m watching this teacher right now talking to students and other teachers…these beautiful students…all they see is their Christian leaders against one another…forming new schools in the name of preserving Christian education…and they’re being told we’re all ‘brothers and sisters.’ shame on us.

how do these things happen? why do people do such cruel things? are people the victims of spiritual attack and control of the enemy?
when Luke talks about Judas Iscariot it says that he ‘opened his heart to satan.’ I’ve heard from some scholars that judas was really more of a victim than a betrayer. really? I mean…do we really want to say that?
it seems that paul, particularly in romans, had little to say about the devil’s spiritual attacks and a lot to say about the flesh. to make it simple and blunt: our flesh has evil desires. period.
for a long time now I’ve had a hard time working out the two categories of our fleshly sin and the enemies role in our sin. how do you know if its your flesh or a ‘spiritual attack’? how do you reconcile the two?
what I think happens is we have evil fleshly desires and if we allow him, the enemy will sanction those desires. judas was no victim to anything. he was a fool who allowed satan to authorize and empower his evil desires. it was his choice…and its mine as well.

my heart is fighting its own war these days. its been easy to blame so many things on spiritual warfare and attack, and allow myself to feel the victim like I can’t do anything about it and I am validated to let my feelings fester. why should I open my heart when there’s just too much pain all around me? when Christians…really dedicated Christians are sitting here in front of me deliberately hurting each other….when its been really hard to keep in touch with friends from home and preserve our own unity together. when I’ve already experience great heartache and am just tired of being disappointed in people.
but mark driscoll’s right: “we live in a culture that finds it profitable to be a victim, and we will blame everyone but ourselves.”
we’ll do and say anything to convince ourselves we are entitled to something. and as my heart settles for feeling the victim, I realize that it is my choice to live by grace.

we are responsible for our actions. we have every authority over the enemies attempts to mess with us. examine your own heart first before you go blaming the devil for what is messed up in your life. what is indeed going on at my school is definite spiritual warfare….its these men and women allowing the enemy to take authority over their desire for power, control, authority, etc. the pain is real and deep. but they are no victims of their sin.

I’ve played the victim card for too long. and I feel (yes I still feel) validated for doing so. I feel validated in my unwillingness to open my heart up again. I feel validated for feeling disconnected at my school and home. and maybe according to the world’s standards I am validated for feeling these things. but as a Christian, it’s a poor excuse and a reason to allow my heart to open to the enemy.

and I think we all open our hearts to something…or someone.

I don’t want to be a judas and open my heart to satan. I want to open my heart to Jesus. judas was fully equipped in every way. hell, he was trained under Jesus! but his heart was clearly not open to love. to again quote driscoll, “knowledge is information, but love leads to transformation.” he who has ears let him hear.

a final word.
my dear friends, let us not subject ourselves to busyness as an excuse for preserving community. we all have a thousand and one excuses for why we are busy and cannot communicate with one another. our unity is worth fighting for and preserving. God creates community, and we have the responsibility to preserve it. Judas was a part of the best community ever, but his heart was open to hate and not love.


*heart: in greek “kardia.” in the Bible the kardia is used to note the central part of your soul and spirit and the fountain of thoughts. in the Hebrew bible the mention of the heart refers to the kidneys, representing the total personality of someone and the inner self.

(thoughts on Judas and the state of his heart inspired from mark driscoll’s recent sermon on Judas. it is an intriguing sermon if you would like to learn more.)

korea round two

i can't believe its already october!!

this semester has been completely different than the last one in every aspect.
i feel much more relaxed, comfortable and stable here. korea feels like home. its normal, safe, and familiar.

these days i'm learning the language...slowly. i'm using a book that a korean language center wrote...by koreans, so its a little hard to follow, but i'm slowly getting there. its fascinating learning a language...i'm discovering how so many small things koreans think or do has a lot to do with their language and its logic. its really helped me as i try to understand and get to know this culture and minister to these people.

school life is going really well. i'm still teaching Bible to every grade and i've also attached a writing elective class once a week and a speaking class twice a week. the students are much more relaxed with me and me with them and its made a huge difference in classroom management and discipline. although, of course 7th grade boys still exist :)

there are so many things about my class i wish i could change still, and i find myself at times walking out of class and wondering, "God, how the heck are you going to use that?"
sometimes i get an answer by a student coming and telling me they enjoyed the class.
sometimes i don't get an answer.
the point is i'm here and there is no doubt in my mind this is the place i need to be. and that somehow, through me, He is receiving the glory. that is the point. of everything.

next year i'm planning a high school course for tenth grade. i have free reign with it so i'm going to take the things i'm interested in and put something hopefully great together. i'm excited about it. but i'm also not as motivated as i would like to be. sometimes i find myself crashing because i have too many ideas running through my head that i can't deal with it so i just freak out and don't do anything.

but just as i'm learning about submitting control over a lot of things in my life, i'm also learning how prayer is so pivotal in this. currently i'm reading "the celebration of discipline" by richard foster, and i'm re-reading "paul in fresh perspective" by n.t. wright, weird combo i know, but its incredible how the theological and the practical come together and are both teaching me amazing things about my communion with God and others.
my school is going through some hard times these days. church unity has become a key issue as we strive for God's peace in dealing with tough issues in the church. Ephesians has become a pivotal book for me in processing this as it teaches us as a church who we are and therefore what we are called to do together.

these days i've also passed the TESOL which is a certificate that basically just says i'm capable to teach english overseas. i was pretty excited about it, since there's no telling where God will take me next after korea.
i'm also working on my master's at covenant. upon the winter break i will change my degree to a double masters in theology and education. we're (the school and i) are hoping we can work it out so i can do a majority of it overseas, including my field hours and capstone...since most of the field hours i'm actually already doing. i'll take a systematic theology course over the winter break which i'm really excited about!

other than that on the weekends and days off i've been going into seoul with some good friends and seeing everything i can. haven't made any trips this semester...its been nice to explore the area around me and become more familiar with it.
i also go to Saemmul Christian Church. its a korean church where the Park's my korean family goes and where i have an english bible study on sunday mornings before church with an american pastor, mr. b. its been such a grace to worship with others in a different tongue. i do not understand the sermons (yet) but for me right now its the community that's important. and the bible study in the mornings is always good food for thought. the Lord has also been teaching me a lot as i've been reading through Kings and Paul's letters more thoroughly.

i'll be 25 in just a couple weeks. and just two months after that i'll be home again. that's right guys i'll be home december 22 though end of february! that's two months! i'm pretty sure i landed the best deal possible with teaching overseas. because you guys at home mean everything to me....and because of that i don't think i could do what so many people do here and stay years without coming home. nope. i gotta get me my Lou fix.

thanks for all the prayers. i feel them and am very thankful for all of you who pray for me and think of me and read my updates. i'm going to try to be more consistent with keeping up with my weekly endeavors...if i think they're interesting enough. here's some pictures of noteworthy events in the last month and a half of seoul searching.

also here's an article by WCA, my former high school and the ones that are responsible for bringing me to Korea, about me and my ministry in Korea. i am so thankful for them and their global ministry for the Kingdom.



http://us1.campaign-archive2.com/?u=5c206a1e708852b81fd9447b8&id=19b5911594&e=903275580a

there and back again.

I’m not really quite sure how to begin this blog. I feel like I have a lot to say but am not really sure where to begin so I guess I’ll just go for it.

I’m back in Korea now after 5 weeks of being at home, which felt like 5 minutes and at the same time 5 months. It was a long time in which a lot happened but it was such a crazy whirlwind that I find myself back here just not sure how to process it all. And sure enough within 24 hours of me being back on the other side of the world I am standing in front of students expected to deliver my thoughts as frazzled as they are.

However, in the last three days I’ve been able to spend more time with the Lord then I did at all in the last 5 weeks. Although the first day back here I was an emotional wreck, I find myself so happy and at peace to be back here. This is where my Maker and I really connect. This is where I have so much time spent just me and God. And as much as I loved seeing people quite literally all the time in the U.S. I really missed this sweet alone time I have with the Lord and his creation everyday.

These days I’ve been reading the Samuel’s and delving more and more into how God used David to establish his covenant with him. It didn’t matter whether David was a shepherd boy, or how just with a sling and stone; he was still the anointed one and he still conquered Goliath. later he screws up real bad with Uriah and Bathsheba creating a catalyst of sin that affected his family for generations….but God still kept his covenant with him by allowing his Messiah to descend from the Davidic ancestry. The whole story of David has become such a beautiful picture for me about God’s sovereignty over our weaknesses and faults. I feel so inadequate being here, and so small with too many flaws to count, yet somehow in some glorious way I see God working and using me in the ways I wouldn’t think were useful. And I see him crushing all my prideful efforts at success.

At the same time, I’ve been reading 2 Corinthians, which in my opinion contains some of the most powerful chapters in all of scripture in regards to our role as communicators of the new covenant. The theology is deep yet simple: God’s glory is enhanced through weakness…jars of clay. It is the same with us as it was with David; as it is with all who are joined in the new covenant established by the blood of Jesus. It has nothing to do with our inadequacies and everything to do with our identity as people made in God’s image, renewed in His covenant.

In case you didn’t know, I resigned my contract in Korea for another year. While I will indeed still return home just in time for Christmas, I will come back again to teach the Bible to middle schoolers and also will add high school to the job next year. As I read these passages in 2 Corinthians one sticks out more and more to me as I continue to pursue Kingdom work in Asia:

“But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere.
“Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit.” -2 Cor. 2:14, 3:4-6

We are His fragrance everywhere we go. As covenant children it is our duty to spread that fragrance no matter where we are with the confidence not in what we do or how we do it, but in who we are. (I know I’ve said it a million times in previous blogs, but I’ll say it again. Because this is theology that seeps into everything.)

I feel like I should made a clarification.
Some after reading my last blog were left with a sad feeling and wondered if I was ok. Let me clarify. I was going through a really hard week at that time, but it was also really really good. It seemed that the Lord was not going to let me off the hook easy and needed to break down some of the walls I’ve kept from Him by showing me that he doesn’t want a part of me…he wants all of me. And that terrified me. But after submitting that to Him and then going home, he’s already proven faithful in so many ways. I feel so blessed to have the community I have at home, and then feel so thankful to be here with my beautiful Korean community. It is truly an amazing experience to share in the body of Christ cross-culturally. There is nothing like it.

Thanks all who read and keep up with me. Its for you I keep writing. Keep me in your prayers and you’ll be in mine as well.

L

the last entry

I finished my journal today. I started it the day I left America, February 14th and finished today, July 2nd. Maybe I'm just weird but starting and ending journals are always climactic experiences for me. Because it feels like you're ending a section of your life and then starting a new one. Well, anyway, I finished this journal today and I feel like this last entry is this climactic moment I am describing. Its a good summation of the last couple weeks and a peak forward into these next couple weeks going into the time I am in the states.

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15 days until I go home. This week has been killer. Emotions have been at an all time high as I suffer from little sleep, overworking, and hard decisions that need to be made very very soon that will determine the next steps of life. I've lost motivation and the will to discern what's right and wrong these days. If I can just make it through the day without collapsing I've accomplished a lot.

Yesterday I thought I was at my end, and for good reason. Evaluations and observations are no minor business. I've decided that teachers are the most underrated people on the planet. They are the most overworked and unappreciated. Screw the phrase, "those who can't do teach." Its just the opposite in my opinion. You have to be quite a person to teach. And not to say that I'm quite a person. I've barely scratched the surface of what it looks like to be a good teacher. Yet of all the jobs (all two of them) I'd have to say this is the one I fit like a glove in. Ironically, its the one I've made the most mistakes with, the one I've cried the most, and have had the least confidence with. Yet somehow, this is the exact place the Lord has decided to use me. I can also say that I've never worked with more gracious, compassionate, loving people. Nobody gossips about one another. That does not exist. Instead everyone uplifts everyone. There is no room for discouragement here. There is only room for compassion, grace, and encouragement. I know I would have died without this community here. And I'm thrilled to be a part of it.

I came home broken and frustrated with the tasks I still have yet to accomplish that just keep unexpectedly announcing themselves to me. And I realized something so very ironic...so so humiliating and ironic...

When I focus on nothing else but control, when I so badly try to control my every move and task something always seems to happen...

I lose control. I literally 'lose it'. I'm an emotional wreck and I have no concept of turning to God. I go into a total state of panic. All because I wanted control.

How humiliating, ironic, and an unbelievable blessing.

Because supposedly I say I don't believe I have control but God does. Yet how I fight daily, hourly, the nature of my character to devise control constantly.

Right now, I am in a place where I am realizing more and more the depth of the Kingdom, the reality of calling, and the cost of the cross. It's more than an adventure to a far off land. It's more than a one year thing, and then I've paid my dues. It's a life of the unexpected and of daily submitting control.

It's for life. Until the day He, the Restorer, the Deliverer returns and makes everything new.
There's too much work to be done. There's no time to say, "I've done enough, and now I don't have to do it anymore." or "I can take a break from Kingdom work."
No, we can't just go on a trip for a year or a service and return and think our calling is complete.
Who would have thought so many people could live in such a small country like Korea? And how much more people are there in all parts of the world...and if we believe this whole world is God's, why do we give up on it? There's just too much work to be done.

I'm realizing the weight of such a life. The sacrifices it takes. The fact that this life is not my own and its not for me. My desires and goals are not something to dismiss, but also not anything to hold on to. Although I want to so bad. I don't want to let go of what my heart longs for. But if they are truly in line with the Kingdom-work God has for me, I can let go with certainty of his faithfulness.

I will leave this journal now with David Crowder's "Shine" lyrics, that saved me this week.

Send me a sign, a hint, a whisper.
Throw me a line, because I am listening.
Come break the quiet.
Breathe your awakening.
Bring me to life, because I am fading.

Surround me with the rush of angels wings.

Shine your light so I can see You.
Pull me up, I need to be near You.
Hold me, I need to feel love.
Can you overcome this heart that's overcome?

You sent a sign, a hint, a whisper.
Human divine, heaven is listening.
Death laid love quiet.
Yet in the night a stirring.

All around the rush of angels.

Shine your light so I can see You.
Pull me up, I need to be near You.
Hold me, I need to feel love.
Can you overcome this heart that's overcome?

Oh, the wonder of the greatest love has come.

Shine your light so ALL can see it.
Lift it up, because the WHOLE WORLD needs it.
Love HAS COME! What a joy to hear it.

He HAS OVERCOME.
He has overcome.

I'll land in the states July 17th and be there for a short while. See you then.

Ocean Logic

I don’t know why but lately writing’s been quite the burden. Journaling is ok. Probably because I don’t really think about what I’m writing when I write in my journal. I just put everything down, no grammar check, spell check, awesome word check, good thought check, just bare, raw day-by-day reality.

Then I sit down to type out what would be a general, yet more awesome sounding summary of those days. But I just can’t do it anymore. I’m so tired these days.

These days life is heavy in good and bad ways. I have decisions to make that I’m not sure I’m ready to make and I wish someone else would make them for me. I’m scared of many outcomes. I’m scared of coming home yet I am counting down the days every 5 hours or so. I’m so broken over all of the people suffering because of weather and storms: literally and spiritually. And my students…oh Lord, my students. They are so beautiful and I’m terrified for their spiritual souls as they grow up in such a stressful culture and age of life. I want to help them so bad, but I can only do so much, and then I have to give them over to the Lord to mold and water the seeds.

The Lord has stretched me these last four months in ways I didn’t think possible. I remember telling my friends that I knew He was going to strip me of everything I KNOW because that was the true source of my identity..being KNOWN and taking pride in that. But I had no idea it would be to this extent. Of course theres the obvious changes of culture and language, but it goes way beyond that into my very heart and soul. Before I came to Korea, I felt very unmoved in my faith. I didn’t feel anything. And for a while I was ok with that. Consider it a typical ‘drought’ I thought. But after going on about 6 months of such a drought and then throwing a new country in it my spiritual life was beginning to feel nonexistent to the point I didn’t even think about it anymore. I just went through the motions of what I had to do.

It was shortly before Buddha’s birthday that I was hit with the reality of my plight. After going to church and watching high school kids share their stories of mission and hope it occurred to me that their faith was so much greater than mine. It scared me. And for the first time in several months, I really talked with God, neigh, I pleaded with him. I begged him, ‘make me feel something! I can’t live like this anymore! I don’t care what it takes or what it means but I want to feel something, anything again.”

When you ask God for something…and you really mean it. He’ll answer. I promise. Especially when it has to do with a change in your heart and soul.

It hurts like hell these days. The feelings. The pain and brokenness, but I also can’t remember the last time I’ve experienced this joy. Real joy. Real rest in who I am and who God is calling me to be.

The Lord has even stripped any confidence I had in my appearance as well. I’ve broken out more in the last four months than in my four years of high school. My body has gone through so many oddities that, trust me, you don’t want to know. Due to Korea’s boldness in speech (and vanity) my kids notice my every flaw when I walk in the classroom. “teacher, why your face red?” “teacher, why no make up?” “teacher, why gray hair, why dark circles” etc, etc.

Anyway, when I come home you’ll hear all the stories. Its just too hard to write everything. Today I just wanted to write informally and without much thought. Just straight this is where my life is right now.

I just got back from a three day weekend in Busan , South Korea. It’s so beautiful there and there are beautiful people there too. But the most beautiful thing I experienced was soaking up God’s creation in a way I hadn’t in nearly five years. The ocean is so beautiful. It really is one of the greatest reminders to me of God’s love. I recall that verse, “I think of you as much as the grains of sand on the shore.” How is that even possible? How is that even fair? And this is the same God people put in a box and say, “a loving God wouldn’t do this, a just God wouldn’t allow that.” I’m realizing more and more how my theo-LOGICAL arguments weigh thin when I go to an ocean or a mountain and realize that I am such a small part of this big world that he orders and is the King over. And as small as I am, I can take a small part of it but as soon as I capitalize on my greatness, and essentially take role as the Creator though I am only the created, that is when I lose feeling, that is when it is harder for me to love others and myself. Because loving others truly does happen out of love for God.

Love God. Love others. I don’t think you can have the “others” without “God.”

And sometimes you need to leave. Just go somewhere where you can see his love and remember…how he loves us so. Its painted all over the world. It truly is there, even in brokenness, heaviness of heart, and pain.

Jesus, we truly can’t live without you. In pain we cry maranatha and in joy we cry maranatha, because we learn that we only really come alive when we are in your presence. When time stops and we realize your love and beauty will never be captured by logic or theo-logic.

Buddha's Birthday

it’s rainy and it’s buddha’s birthday. the morning was spent making my own drip coffee and last minute curriculum changes...as always.

this break was so needed. yet i still find myself restless. sleep has yet to come well to me in this land. but let me back track.

chapter one.
the beginning of this break takes place at a campground in seoul. every Saemmul student and teacher took a three day retreat to play games, hike mountains, visit traditional seoul and every thing else play and not school.

on monday, lorie and i taught two english outdoor activity classes. that was our cover. we just played games. i recall my 5th grade year where the only thing i remember was my teacher Ms. Malan and the game at recess we played religiously: elimination, a free-for-all rendition of dodgeball (dodgeball variations). the koreans dug it, but not quite as much as the next game.

again, i recall middle school. the teachers, my horrible hair, pimples, braces, and capture the flag. so so so many hours of playing capture the flag. i remember hiding with val coleman and katie luster and running to our border as fast as we could always getting caught and taken to jail. and then there was david cartier and jeremiah jones always taking the flag and us cheering them on as they take it across the border.
my students loved it just as much. sharon and i have the battle scars on our hands and knees to prove it. patrick was the best sneaky guardian, and lorie a cunning opponent. my team would have won if time had not run out though. i’m sure of it.
i think i may try to implement some kind of Bible capture the flag in my class. maybe like, capture the ark of the covenant, or capture the amalekite? ha. any ideas?


tuesday a few of us teachers hiked a mountain with 7th and 9th graders for 6 hours. it was a blast. on my team was Mr. Peter Pan, Cindy, Jaina, and some great, caring boys. we rocked that mountain (while singing ‘we will rock you.’)


both nights we prayed. the whole school. we prayed a lot korean style. boldly, loudly, emotionally. prayer in this country blows my enlightened theologically based mindset out of the water.

in the words of augustine, “the church is a whore but its also my mother.” where in one place we focus too much on one discipline of grace (like theology for example), we may focus too much on another somewhere else (like prayer). we both end up in the same both. neither will save us.

Jesus‘ blood has carried us into our Father’s arms. we did nothing and gained absolutely everything. consider this: can Jesus take back his bloodshed? of course not, you’d say. that’s an utterly foolish thought.
now consider this: if it is utterly foolish that Jesus would take back the blood he shed, wouldn’t it be just as foolish to ACT like he could?
of course it is good to pray. of course it is good to study. but neither can maintain or ‘bring us closer’ shall we say into our Father’s arms. we are already there and we are there to stay. so rest, church. korean and american.

i say this because i saw my students pray fervently and loudly. i wonder what they’re thinking about and what their hearts are really towards God. do they know how much he loves them no matter how much or how loudly they pray?
i think about how sensitive the time of adolescence is. how easy it is to believe lies and to fall into a trap of feeling so inadequate and willing to do anything to feel adequate. and in this culture, you have to be pretty close to damn perfect to be good enough.

i see that their hearts and mine are alike in so many ways. we really are one in the Spirit and i feel him bonding my heart to theirs slowly. this is the Kingdom.

the Kingdom comes through games and laughter.
through nature and discipline.
through prayer and knowledge, lips and hearts.
and it all comes through blood and grace.

happy birthday, buddha. i enjoyed my affagato, brennan manning book, and musings on Jesus today.

Why Should Your Heart Not Dance?

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It's Friday.  Thank the Lord.  For have three half-days this week, I can say it has been one of the longest weeks I've had here in SK.

On Sunday I wrote my musings on tranquility and peace.  My convictions were that I had let me life become too busy with worry, and I am too afraid most times to put my hand in peace.  Sunday night I asked the Lord how I might pursue this one-handed tranquil life while I still work and live my life in Korea.  During dinner that night with the Kim's, they shared with me the Korean Christian traditions during Holy Week.  Every morning starting Monday for 40 days, most Korean Christians will wake up at 5am and go to church and pray for an hour.  Many Christians do this all year around actually.  Most Korean Pastors teach a sermon every morning Monday through Saturday around 5 or 5:30 am and then at church on Sunday. It's fascinating to me, the dedication to prayer these believers have.  If only I had a small ounce of that dedication to prayer....

Well, the Kims do not go to church every morning all year round, but they are dedicated to these 40 days that begin the Monday of Holy Week.  As they spoke about it, I felt a tug at my heart.  "Well, Lauren, you said you want to spend more time with Me and feel my peace.  Here's your chance."  Um...really, God?  Don't you know me?  Didn't you create me?  I am NOT a 5am person.  Anyone that knows me well knows that, and those that have lived with me or spent mornings with me especially have experienced the wrath of morning Lauren. It's not pretty.  Low, my heart still tugged.   "You asked me and I am answering."

It's Friday and every day I have woken up and prayed for an hour with the Kims, and I must say I am utterly exhausted...but I've never felt better.

This week the students had final exams, so we had half days at school, and they were anything but easy days.  I've made so many mistakes this quarter its ridiculous.  I've messed up so many of these kids grades.  I've had so many miscommunications.  I've been misunderstood beyond belief.  I could not have been more frustrated with other teachers and students and myself.  But its amazing how every day I've been so much more able to hold my ground and have strength.  To make it through the days and leave feeling peaceful, though it was far from peaceful mornings.  I think this might be the start of what it feels like to live with one hand in tranquility.  And all I did was pray.  He did the rest.

Today we remember pain, death, and suffering.
But that is not the end of the story.

Winter is past.
Spring is here,
and Jesus is Alive.    

Not a Mumblin' Word

They led him to Pilate's bar
Not a word, not a word, not a word
They led him to Pilate's bar
Not a word, not a word, not a word
They led him to Pilate's bar
But he never said a mumblin' word
Not a word, not a word, not a word

They all cried, "Crucify!"
Not a word, not a word, not a word
They all cried, "Crucify!"
Not a word, not a word, not a word
They all cried, "Crucify!"
But he never said a mumblin' word
Not a word, not a word, not a word
Not a word, not a word, not a word

We nailed him on to a tree
Not a word, not a word, not a word
We nailed him on to a tree
Not a word, not a word, not a word
We nailed him on to a tree
But he never said a mumblin' word
Not a word, not a word, not a word
Not a word, not a word, not a word
Not a word, not a word, not a word
Not a word, not a word, not a word 

Korean Cherry Blossom

Peace?

I listened to a Rob Bell sermon this morning that really encouraged and convicted me.  (I realize that many people at this time are not huge Bell fans, but that is not what this is about.)  It made me think about so many things God has been teaching me lately especially in a new place at a new job.  This is just a small summation of such thoughts.  

Ecclesiastes 4:5-6 says, “The fool folds his hands and eats his own flesh.  Better is a handful of quietness (tranquility) than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind.”

We can live with our hands completely folded, so disengaged and ‘checked out’ from the world, or with a closed fist where we are so busy and stressed and worried.  Both are destructive and quench the work of God in us. 

The writer of Ecclesiastes says it is better to live with one hand in quietness or tranquility.  This is neither of the extremes.  It is counter cultural.  The closed fist is so prevalent in our cultures (American and Korean and others I am sure).  Because we still think we have to earn something, achieve something, or receive some kind of approval, so we work so hard we can’t rest because that means we’d have to stop and that could mean failure.  We normalize words and phrases like, “things are just so crazy right now” or “I’ll have time later, I’m just so stressed now” to make normal what is truthfully quite unacceptable for Christians.  Truly, the Good News is we already have approval, achievement, and success.  We are chasing after things we already have. 

To live with one hand in tranquility is counter cultural, and to be at peace is not normal.  If we are not living like this, how do we expect others to see Jesus, if it just looks like the normal “crazy, worried, stressful” life?  How do I expect my students and co workers to see Jesus if I am so stressed about my lessons because I want to be approved by the school, that I forget I am already approved and I truly can be at peace and rest and do my best? 

On the other hand, we cannot live ‘checked out’ with our hands folded.  For this says, “what have I to contribute?”  You forget that you have much to contribute as an image bearer of the almighty God, to reflect Him and bring Him glory and instigate His Kingdom on earth.  There is so much more to life than waiting around for the next great thing, the next shopping special, the next tv show.  There is so much more to who we are and who we are made to be.

Why do we venture to these extremes?  Because we have forgotten who we are.

When Jesus was baptized by the Baptizer what did the voice of God say to him?  “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”  Jesus had not died yet, or rose from the dead, or even begin his earthly ministry.  He had not yet drawn large crowds to Him or perform miracles.  But God was pleased with Him. 

God is pleased with us.  Just as we are.  Just where we are at, in our everyday lives.  I love what Bell says: “Jesus has great faith that everyday, ordinary people can change the world.”  Why else did he choose fisherman for disciples?  A fisherman was a pretty low status, dishonorable job in their day, and these were the ones he said, “Follow me.”  He asks everyday, normal people to follow him just as they are, what they are doing right now. 

One thing I took from a reformed seminary that I think has shaped everything about my theology is actually very similar to these thoughts Bell presents (whether he knows it or not):  The idea that the indicatives (being) compel the imperatives (doing), not the other way around.  Why did Paul write so many letters?  Most of these church congregants were struggling with their identity in Christ, right?  They could not get their walk with God straight and kept going back to the Law in hopes that it would make things better again.  But Paul reminds them in every letter of who they are as temples of the living God in the new covenant instigated in the blood of Christ.  I promise you when you read one of Paul’s lists of “do’s” before it there is a statement of being, a confirmation of who they are.

I think Paul would have a lot to say to us today who worry ourselves about approval and achievement and marry with the world’s idea that what you do makes you who you are.  Paul turns this approach on its head.  God is well pleased not because we are great, but because Jesus shed his blood and conquered all of sin and death by his glorious resurrection.  God is pleased with you my dear brothers and sisters not because of anything you’ve done or will do, but because you are his sons and daughters through Jesus Christ.  Let us rejoice in this, and keep one hand in tranquility. 

So as usual, Jesus calls us to live this third way.  To live a way counter to the extremes of our cultures.  There is a way to live life with contentment and peace.  I think if the Old Testament wisdom literature writer can believe this and write this, we in the new covenant have No Excuse.  For He has died and risen.  God is well pleased.  Let us not run after things we already have, but run to Him for He has already given us everything we need.  Let us rejoice, as we remember in this time of spring and newness, the new life that He has given us because He has conquered death and is alive!  He is risen, and we are raised with Him as his sons and daughters.  How precious this truth is.  Let us show the fully alive, beautiful, peaceful Jesus to all nations.  

(the description of the hands is insight from Bell's sermon.  if you'd like to listen to it you can download it on his website or on itunes.  the sermon is called "three kinds of hands" from mars hill's sermon series on ecclesiastes)

Radioactive Rain

Check it.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20110407/wl_asia_afp/japandisasteraccidentnuclearskorea

Korean Architecture

Myul-Chi

                                  Korean Anchovie Dish
I ate this at the school not knowing what it was.  After a couple bites I looked down and saw little eyes looking at me.  The teacher's laughed because of the way I was looking at it.

P.S. it does not taste good.

Prayer...and Puzzles

I think anyone who reads the Bible would agree that the Gospel of Luke is one narrative of perfection.  Themes such as good news to the poor and the marginalized, Pax Christo vs. Pax Romana, restoration and inclusion for all nations, and its Spirit led emphasis speak well for us in our cultures, gives us that ‘umph’ and motivation to move and act and preach the good news for ALL people. 

Along with this I’ve noticed another theme intertwined in Luke’s narrative.  It seems that every time something important was about to happen Jesus did one thing: he prayed.  Not only this but he prayed alone in “desolate places.” 

What I’ve noticed about the Korean Body more than anything is their devotion to prayer.  It took me off guard at first.  Anytime they get together to pray everyone prays out loud at the same time.  Many teachers before they teach a class just sit at their desk for a few minutes and pray silently.  Just seeing their faces as they pray silently astounds me.  They’re eyes are so tightly closed.  They are so focused on their conversation with the Lord.  Nothing else distracts or takes them from it.  And every time we share together it is always centered on their prayers.  We had a birthday party for a couple teachers the other day.  We sang happy birthday (in Korean) and then prayed for them.  They shared really deep requests like it wasn’t a big deal…because we’re family.  One shared openly that him and his wife want to have a baby.  The other talked about how he wants to get married.  I guess I never realized how much I think in terms of “right time” “right place.”  But they don’t care. They are HAPPY when they share their lives, because they know the Body will pray, and they are so confident God will take care of them.  They know God has all the pieces of their lives in his hands, even though they do not know how it is all going to fit together.

The last couple of weeks I’ve been tempted to feel extremely anxious and weary over school.  Every day I have a new piece to add to the puzzle, a new challenge, a change of plans, and an extra job.  And my need for incessant planning and order has not served me well in a place that is more focused on the students than the lesson plans.  On one of these worry filled days, I was asking my co teacher a million questions about curriculum, and she finally just smiled and said, “First we pray; then prepare.” 

This week we received the planners the students would journal in about their Bible readings.  The motto on the diary says, “When we work, we work.  When we pray, God works.” 

I know its cheesy, and maybe I’m a cheese ball, but I think God’s a cheese ball too sometimes.  And I think He really used this cheese ball statement to really show me how important it is to pray; to stop worrying and start trusting.  And trusting comes when I pray first.

Every morning I walk about 15 minutes to get on the bus for school.  It’s my desolate place where the sun rises and the Lord and I talk.  And then I get to school and join in prayer with other tongues who are so devoted to talking intimately with God and sharing their lives openly.  Suddenly the puzzle doesn’t look that scary, especially when I know I’m not the one holding it together.  

Yubin and I have been working on this puzzle since I got to Korea.

Provision

I thought I was giving my dreams of going to L'abri up when I decided to come to Korea.  It seems that the Lord has it to make my dreams come true.  I will be going with my fellow teacher soon.

First Korean Coffee Shop

Drip Columbian

"One Who Knows Coffee"

                                  

Jonathan

Airport Musings

Preface: I often question what is really going on here and where my heart is at.  People say you need to make sure you know where your heart is before you take on such an adventure.  Maybe their right.  But maybe sometimes you have to leave to figure that out and examine your heart.  Maybe you think you know and then you find that its somewhere else.  And thats ok.  Its all a part of growing and stretching your boundaries and taking risks.  Those that have gone before me on such an embarkment I am grateful.  You have helped me process and prepare for this one of my own.

Today's the day I begin this journey.  I don't really know what to make of anything yet.  At the gate and in just a couple of hours I will leave this country behind for a few months.

I look around and see so many faces...and they're beautiful.  Listening to my ipod and remembering all of the beautiful faces I said goodbye to in the last couple of days.  But then a light shines, and I see unique faces all around of people to greet and say hello to.  New faces.  Image bearing faces.  Faces for the Kingdom.

Because that is what this is all really about.  The last few weeks have been filled with so much community, coffee, and conversation it seems I lost sight for a bit about what I'm really doing.  The Kingdom is at hand and it is bursting with faces of many colors, dreams, and gifts all meant and given for the glory of Jesus.

I've heard so many times in the last few weeks what a great adventure this will be for me and how excited people are for me and how much exploration and experience will be had.  Everyone is absolutely right, however there is a bigger picture, something so much more that is going on  here.  There is something bigger and greater worth getting excited about.

Jesus.  Yes, the Sunday school answer works yet again.  But seriously, its Jesus we should be excited about.  Its Jesus that brought me here.  Its Jesus I am teaching about and it is Jesus that is knitting my soul with this country and its people.  Its Jesus we will boldly proclaim wherever we are and go no matter what we are doing.  Something I have learned is we don't bring Jesus where we go.  He is already there, but we must go and show those image bearing faces everywhere that He is present.  To encourage the weary and the hopeless that there is hope...because Jesus is there.

This is what we really need to be excited about.  That Jesus' name will be boldly proclaimed.  That His Kingdom is alive and flourishing everywhere.  That his Body is colorful and there is still so much to be done and so  many more faces that need to know there soul's true purpose.

I am so proud to call St. Louis home.  Those beautiful faces I cried, laughed, prayed, danced, and sang with, they beam Jesus, and I am so proud and thankful for all of them.  My heart is heavy to leave but at peace that our Spirits are bound together always.  Its amazing how much the Spirit knits hearts and souls even at a distance, which I have full confidence he will continue to do.  May we encourage and uplift one another and always be excited, even in heartache about the one face, the most beautiful of all emitting Light in all parts of the world.  Jesus.

Beginnings

Hi friends! The day is here and I know everyone is waiting for information about where I'll be at.  Here's a teaser.  The family that I am living with sent me pictures.  I know you will be very jealous after you see these sweet faces.
                                       Jungsung

Kim Family

Yubin

I am so excited to start living with this wonderful family.  Please be praying the transition goes well. Thanks for all the prayers!