musings from the east: an open kardia

I’m sitting at school with little to do and class in three hours. so I pull out my journal and start reading my musing from the last two months of being back in korea. wow. I have a lot of thoughts…crazy thoughts…compelling thoughts…scary thoughts…thoughts I would be terrified of anyone discovering. I have waaaayyyyy too much time to think, and lately I really wonder if I’m going crazy. here’s why.

my school is going through some rough times. when you pursue the Kingdom of God, opposition and persecution is inevitable. as I write this a teacher is standing right in front of me who has been a main source of this persecution. I’m the only one that knows about it, and as I watch him jot some notes and sip his coffee and give a cordial ‘ahn-yeong-ha-se-yo’ I feel so much ache for our school’s plight.

its a typical church split narrative that you hear about. differences of ideas and philosophies that eventually led to what was at first a semi-friendly divide. now, there’s not even a mask of friendliness. students are confused. teachers are leaving. and parents are angry. my own heart is in turmoil.
its so hard to trust anyone. I’m watching this teacher right now talking to students and other teachers…these beautiful students…all they see is their Christian leaders against one another…forming new schools in the name of preserving Christian education…and they’re being told we’re all ‘brothers and sisters.’ shame on us.

how do these things happen? why do people do such cruel things? are people the victims of spiritual attack and control of the enemy?
when Luke talks about Judas Iscariot it says that he ‘opened his heart to satan.’ I’ve heard from some scholars that judas was really more of a victim than a betrayer. really? I mean…do we really want to say that?
it seems that paul, particularly in romans, had little to say about the devil’s spiritual attacks and a lot to say about the flesh. to make it simple and blunt: our flesh has evil desires. period.
for a long time now I’ve had a hard time working out the two categories of our fleshly sin and the enemies role in our sin. how do you know if its your flesh or a ‘spiritual attack’? how do you reconcile the two?
what I think happens is we have evil fleshly desires and if we allow him, the enemy will sanction those desires. judas was no victim to anything. he was a fool who allowed satan to authorize and empower his evil desires. it was his choice…and its mine as well.

my heart is fighting its own war these days. its been easy to blame so many things on spiritual warfare and attack, and allow myself to feel the victim like I can’t do anything about it and I am validated to let my feelings fester. why should I open my heart when there’s just too much pain all around me? when Christians…really dedicated Christians are sitting here in front of me deliberately hurting each other….when its been really hard to keep in touch with friends from home and preserve our own unity together. when I’ve already experience great heartache and am just tired of being disappointed in people.
but mark driscoll’s right: “we live in a culture that finds it profitable to be a victim, and we will blame everyone but ourselves.”
we’ll do and say anything to convince ourselves we are entitled to something. and as my heart settles for feeling the victim, I realize that it is my choice to live by grace.

we are responsible for our actions. we have every authority over the enemies attempts to mess with us. examine your own heart first before you go blaming the devil for what is messed up in your life. what is indeed going on at my school is definite spiritual warfare….its these men and women allowing the enemy to take authority over their desire for power, control, authority, etc. the pain is real and deep. but they are no victims of their sin.

I’ve played the victim card for too long. and I feel (yes I still feel) validated for doing so. I feel validated in my unwillingness to open my heart up again. I feel validated for feeling disconnected at my school and home. and maybe according to the world’s standards I am validated for feeling these things. but as a Christian, it’s a poor excuse and a reason to allow my heart to open to the enemy.

and I think we all open our hearts to something…or someone.

I don’t want to be a judas and open my heart to satan. I want to open my heart to Jesus. judas was fully equipped in every way. hell, he was trained under Jesus! but his heart was clearly not open to love. to again quote driscoll, “knowledge is information, but love leads to transformation.” he who has ears let him hear.

a final word.
my dear friends, let us not subject ourselves to busyness as an excuse for preserving community. we all have a thousand and one excuses for why we are busy and cannot communicate with one another. our unity is worth fighting for and preserving. God creates community, and we have the responsibility to preserve it. Judas was a part of the best community ever, but his heart was open to hate and not love.


*heart: in greek “kardia.” in the Bible the kardia is used to note the central part of your soul and spirit and the fountain of thoughts. in the Hebrew bible the mention of the heart refers to the kidneys, representing the total personality of someone and the inner self.

(thoughts on Judas and the state of his heart inspired from mark driscoll’s recent sermon on Judas. it is an intriguing sermon if you would like to learn more.)

korea round two

i can't believe its already october!!

this semester has been completely different than the last one in every aspect.
i feel much more relaxed, comfortable and stable here. korea feels like home. its normal, safe, and familiar.

these days i'm learning the language...slowly. i'm using a book that a korean language center wrote...by koreans, so its a little hard to follow, but i'm slowly getting there. its fascinating learning a language...i'm discovering how so many small things koreans think or do has a lot to do with their language and its logic. its really helped me as i try to understand and get to know this culture and minister to these people.

school life is going really well. i'm still teaching Bible to every grade and i've also attached a writing elective class once a week and a speaking class twice a week. the students are much more relaxed with me and me with them and its made a huge difference in classroom management and discipline. although, of course 7th grade boys still exist :)

there are so many things about my class i wish i could change still, and i find myself at times walking out of class and wondering, "God, how the heck are you going to use that?"
sometimes i get an answer by a student coming and telling me they enjoyed the class.
sometimes i don't get an answer.
the point is i'm here and there is no doubt in my mind this is the place i need to be. and that somehow, through me, He is receiving the glory. that is the point. of everything.

next year i'm planning a high school course for tenth grade. i have free reign with it so i'm going to take the things i'm interested in and put something hopefully great together. i'm excited about it. but i'm also not as motivated as i would like to be. sometimes i find myself crashing because i have too many ideas running through my head that i can't deal with it so i just freak out and don't do anything.

but just as i'm learning about submitting control over a lot of things in my life, i'm also learning how prayer is so pivotal in this. currently i'm reading "the celebration of discipline" by richard foster, and i'm re-reading "paul in fresh perspective" by n.t. wright, weird combo i know, but its incredible how the theological and the practical come together and are both teaching me amazing things about my communion with God and others.
my school is going through some hard times these days. church unity has become a key issue as we strive for God's peace in dealing with tough issues in the church. Ephesians has become a pivotal book for me in processing this as it teaches us as a church who we are and therefore what we are called to do together.

these days i've also passed the TESOL which is a certificate that basically just says i'm capable to teach english overseas. i was pretty excited about it, since there's no telling where God will take me next after korea.
i'm also working on my master's at covenant. upon the winter break i will change my degree to a double masters in theology and education. we're (the school and i) are hoping we can work it out so i can do a majority of it overseas, including my field hours and capstone...since most of the field hours i'm actually already doing. i'll take a systematic theology course over the winter break which i'm really excited about!

other than that on the weekends and days off i've been going into seoul with some good friends and seeing everything i can. haven't made any trips this semester...its been nice to explore the area around me and become more familiar with it.
i also go to Saemmul Christian Church. its a korean church where the Park's my korean family goes and where i have an english bible study on sunday mornings before church with an american pastor, mr. b. its been such a grace to worship with others in a different tongue. i do not understand the sermons (yet) but for me right now its the community that's important. and the bible study in the mornings is always good food for thought. the Lord has also been teaching me a lot as i've been reading through Kings and Paul's letters more thoroughly.

i'll be 25 in just a couple weeks. and just two months after that i'll be home again. that's right guys i'll be home december 22 though end of february! that's two months! i'm pretty sure i landed the best deal possible with teaching overseas. because you guys at home mean everything to me....and because of that i don't think i could do what so many people do here and stay years without coming home. nope. i gotta get me my Lou fix.

thanks for all the prayers. i feel them and am very thankful for all of you who pray for me and think of me and read my updates. i'm going to try to be more consistent with keeping up with my weekly endeavors...if i think they're interesting enough. here's some pictures of noteworthy events in the last month and a half of seoul searching.

also here's an article by WCA, my former high school and the ones that are responsible for bringing me to Korea, about me and my ministry in Korea. i am so thankful for them and their global ministry for the Kingdom.



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