happy seoul days (part 2)

on my birthday I hiked a mountain with my best friend in korea and beautiful co worker Gloria. this woman, ladies and gents, is a gem and I am so grateful for her friendship. it was a beautiful fall day. the weather was perfect for climbing. the trees were all sorts of colors, but the fellowship was the best part. there is nothing better than connecting with our Maker through His beautiful creation and sharing it a sister.

after that I went into seoul to have some well needed fun times with my beautiful seoul friends. we enjoyed a nice Korean dinner, a homemade cake by Katie and Ryan, and topped the night off with noraebong.

the next weekend I went to Busan, in the southern part of South Korea to visit my dear friend Kayse. I never tire of seeing the ocean there and in the fall it is spectacular. we shared some good conversation, watched the cardinals win the world series, and sat on the beach…until the rain came down that is.
we also got a big group together and went out for Halloween. it was a great getaway with good friends.

but everything in the last few months did not compare to the last few days when this gentleman, David flew to Korea from China to see me.

simply put, Joy overflows from me these days. its almost too much for me to bear. sometimes I wonder if we try sabotaging our hearts because we just simply don’t know how to handle all of the grace we’ve been given.
but this is no way to live. its not so impossible. and its always better together.

i want to be well (part 1)

for whatever reason, sufjan’s song ‘impossible soul’ will not leave my head. which is a tad inconvenient since it’s a 25 minute long song. I feel his constant fight with himself. it may be just better to stay in a cage. but in the end we all need each other. but evil is lurking all around. it corrupts even the best gifts. and it is easy to convince ourselves its better to stay imprisoned.
but stupid man in the window. I’ll never be satisfied with such a life. the use of the auto tune in this song only exposes more to me the internal struggle, the fight I have with my soul.
I realize I’m not saying or feeling anything new. I’m no victim. and sufjan gets that. he gets that there is evil in us all. like in the last thing I wrote, we can blame everyone else but in the end we are at fault as well with the corruption around us. some of it is out of our hands, but some of it comes with our choices.

in any case, “we can do much more together.”
there is hope for the impossible soul.
maranatha.

dietrich bonhoeffer’s poem, “who am I” correlated with sufjan’s “impossible” work of art perfectly culminates this reflection.

who am i? they often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a squire from his country house.

who am i? they often tell me
I used to speak to my wanders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.

who am i? they also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

am I then really that which other men tell of?
or am I only what I myself know of myself?
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words, of kindness, for neighbourliness,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint and ready to say farewell to it all.

who am i? this or the other?
am I one person to-day and to-morrow another?
am I both at once? a hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptible woebegone weaking?
or is something within me still like a beaten army
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

who am i? they mock me, these lonely questions o fmine.
whoever I am, thou knowest, o God, I am Thine!

and with that I will also note that my last journal ended a couple of days ago with the lyrics from ‘impossible soul’ while my new one today begins with ‘who am i.’
indeed I pray that as we wrestle with our impossible souls together, we remember that although we may never understand ourselves fully just yet, we know that we are His.

its not so impossible.