Ocean Logic

I don’t know why but lately writing’s been quite the burden. Journaling is ok. Probably because I don’t really think about what I’m writing when I write in my journal. I just put everything down, no grammar check, spell check, awesome word check, good thought check, just bare, raw day-by-day reality.

Then I sit down to type out what would be a general, yet more awesome sounding summary of those days. But I just can’t do it anymore. I’m so tired these days.

These days life is heavy in good and bad ways. I have decisions to make that I’m not sure I’m ready to make and I wish someone else would make them for me. I’m scared of many outcomes. I’m scared of coming home yet I am counting down the days every 5 hours or so. I’m so broken over all of the people suffering because of weather and storms: literally and spiritually. And my students…oh Lord, my students. They are so beautiful and I’m terrified for their spiritual souls as they grow up in such a stressful culture and age of life. I want to help them so bad, but I can only do so much, and then I have to give them over to the Lord to mold and water the seeds.

The Lord has stretched me these last four months in ways I didn’t think possible. I remember telling my friends that I knew He was going to strip me of everything I KNOW because that was the true source of my identity..being KNOWN and taking pride in that. But I had no idea it would be to this extent. Of course theres the obvious changes of culture and language, but it goes way beyond that into my very heart and soul. Before I came to Korea, I felt very unmoved in my faith. I didn’t feel anything. And for a while I was ok with that. Consider it a typical ‘drought’ I thought. But after going on about 6 months of such a drought and then throwing a new country in it my spiritual life was beginning to feel nonexistent to the point I didn’t even think about it anymore. I just went through the motions of what I had to do.

It was shortly before Buddha’s birthday that I was hit with the reality of my plight. After going to church and watching high school kids share their stories of mission and hope it occurred to me that their faith was so much greater than mine. It scared me. And for the first time in several months, I really talked with God, neigh, I pleaded with him. I begged him, ‘make me feel something! I can’t live like this anymore! I don’t care what it takes or what it means but I want to feel something, anything again.”

When you ask God for something…and you really mean it. He’ll answer. I promise. Especially when it has to do with a change in your heart and soul.

It hurts like hell these days. The feelings. The pain and brokenness, but I also can’t remember the last time I’ve experienced this joy. Real joy. Real rest in who I am and who God is calling me to be.

The Lord has even stripped any confidence I had in my appearance as well. I’ve broken out more in the last four months than in my four years of high school. My body has gone through so many oddities that, trust me, you don’t want to know. Due to Korea’s boldness in speech (and vanity) my kids notice my every flaw when I walk in the classroom. “teacher, why your face red?” “teacher, why no make up?” “teacher, why gray hair, why dark circles” etc, etc.

Anyway, when I come home you’ll hear all the stories. Its just too hard to write everything. Today I just wanted to write informally and without much thought. Just straight this is where my life is right now.

I just got back from a three day weekend in Busan , South Korea. It’s so beautiful there and there are beautiful people there too. But the most beautiful thing I experienced was soaking up God’s creation in a way I hadn’t in nearly five years. The ocean is so beautiful. It really is one of the greatest reminders to me of God’s love. I recall that verse, “I think of you as much as the grains of sand on the shore.” How is that even possible? How is that even fair? And this is the same God people put in a box and say, “a loving God wouldn’t do this, a just God wouldn’t allow that.” I’m realizing more and more how my theo-LOGICAL arguments weigh thin when I go to an ocean or a mountain and realize that I am such a small part of this big world that he orders and is the King over. And as small as I am, I can take a small part of it but as soon as I capitalize on my greatness, and essentially take role as the Creator though I am only the created, that is when I lose feeling, that is when it is harder for me to love others and myself. Because loving others truly does happen out of love for God.

Love God. Love others. I don’t think you can have the “others” without “God.”

And sometimes you need to leave. Just go somewhere where you can see his love and remember…how he loves us so. Its painted all over the world. It truly is there, even in brokenness, heaviness of heart, and pain.

Jesus, we truly can’t live without you. In pain we cry maranatha and in joy we cry maranatha, because we learn that we only really come alive when we are in your presence. When time stops and we realize your love and beauty will never be captured by logic or theo-logic.

Buddha's Birthday

it’s rainy and it’s buddha’s birthday. the morning was spent making my own drip coffee and last minute curriculum changes...as always.

this break was so needed. yet i still find myself restless. sleep has yet to come well to me in this land. but let me back track.

chapter one.
the beginning of this break takes place at a campground in seoul. every Saemmul student and teacher took a three day retreat to play games, hike mountains, visit traditional seoul and every thing else play and not school.

on monday, lorie and i taught two english outdoor activity classes. that was our cover. we just played games. i recall my 5th grade year where the only thing i remember was my teacher Ms. Malan and the game at recess we played religiously: elimination, a free-for-all rendition of dodgeball (dodgeball variations). the koreans dug it, but not quite as much as the next game.

again, i recall middle school. the teachers, my horrible hair, pimples, braces, and capture the flag. so so so many hours of playing capture the flag. i remember hiding with val coleman and katie luster and running to our border as fast as we could always getting caught and taken to jail. and then there was david cartier and jeremiah jones always taking the flag and us cheering them on as they take it across the border.
my students loved it just as much. sharon and i have the battle scars on our hands and knees to prove it. patrick was the best sneaky guardian, and lorie a cunning opponent. my team would have won if time had not run out though. i’m sure of it.
i think i may try to implement some kind of Bible capture the flag in my class. maybe like, capture the ark of the covenant, or capture the amalekite? ha. any ideas?


tuesday a few of us teachers hiked a mountain with 7th and 9th graders for 6 hours. it was a blast. on my team was Mr. Peter Pan, Cindy, Jaina, and some great, caring boys. we rocked that mountain (while singing ‘we will rock you.’)


both nights we prayed. the whole school. we prayed a lot korean style. boldly, loudly, emotionally. prayer in this country blows my enlightened theologically based mindset out of the water.

in the words of augustine, “the church is a whore but its also my mother.” where in one place we focus too much on one discipline of grace (like theology for example), we may focus too much on another somewhere else (like prayer). we both end up in the same both. neither will save us.

Jesus‘ blood has carried us into our Father’s arms. we did nothing and gained absolutely everything. consider this: can Jesus take back his bloodshed? of course not, you’d say. that’s an utterly foolish thought.
now consider this: if it is utterly foolish that Jesus would take back the blood he shed, wouldn’t it be just as foolish to ACT like he could?
of course it is good to pray. of course it is good to study. but neither can maintain or ‘bring us closer’ shall we say into our Father’s arms. we are already there and we are there to stay. so rest, church. korean and american.

i say this because i saw my students pray fervently and loudly. i wonder what they’re thinking about and what their hearts are really towards God. do they know how much he loves them no matter how much or how loudly they pray?
i think about how sensitive the time of adolescence is. how easy it is to believe lies and to fall into a trap of feeling so inadequate and willing to do anything to feel adequate. and in this culture, you have to be pretty close to damn perfect to be good enough.

i see that their hearts and mine are alike in so many ways. we really are one in the Spirit and i feel him bonding my heart to theirs slowly. this is the Kingdom.

the Kingdom comes through games and laughter.
through nature and discipline.
through prayer and knowledge, lips and hearts.
and it all comes through blood and grace.

happy birthday, buddha. i enjoyed my affagato, brennan manning book, and musings on Jesus today.