Ocean Logic

I don’t know why but lately writing’s been quite the burden. Journaling is ok. Probably because I don’t really think about what I’m writing when I write in my journal. I just put everything down, no grammar check, spell check, awesome word check, good thought check, just bare, raw day-by-day reality.

Then I sit down to type out what would be a general, yet more awesome sounding summary of those days. But I just can’t do it anymore. I’m so tired these days.

These days life is heavy in good and bad ways. I have decisions to make that I’m not sure I’m ready to make and I wish someone else would make them for me. I’m scared of many outcomes. I’m scared of coming home yet I am counting down the days every 5 hours or so. I’m so broken over all of the people suffering because of weather and storms: literally and spiritually. And my students…oh Lord, my students. They are so beautiful and I’m terrified for their spiritual souls as they grow up in such a stressful culture and age of life. I want to help them so bad, but I can only do so much, and then I have to give them over to the Lord to mold and water the seeds.

The Lord has stretched me these last four months in ways I didn’t think possible. I remember telling my friends that I knew He was going to strip me of everything I KNOW because that was the true source of my identity..being KNOWN and taking pride in that. But I had no idea it would be to this extent. Of course theres the obvious changes of culture and language, but it goes way beyond that into my very heart and soul. Before I came to Korea, I felt very unmoved in my faith. I didn’t feel anything. And for a while I was ok with that. Consider it a typical ‘drought’ I thought. But after going on about 6 months of such a drought and then throwing a new country in it my spiritual life was beginning to feel nonexistent to the point I didn’t even think about it anymore. I just went through the motions of what I had to do.

It was shortly before Buddha’s birthday that I was hit with the reality of my plight. After going to church and watching high school kids share their stories of mission and hope it occurred to me that their faith was so much greater than mine. It scared me. And for the first time in several months, I really talked with God, neigh, I pleaded with him. I begged him, ‘make me feel something! I can’t live like this anymore! I don’t care what it takes or what it means but I want to feel something, anything again.”

When you ask God for something…and you really mean it. He’ll answer. I promise. Especially when it has to do with a change in your heart and soul.

It hurts like hell these days. The feelings. The pain and brokenness, but I also can’t remember the last time I’ve experienced this joy. Real joy. Real rest in who I am and who God is calling me to be.

The Lord has even stripped any confidence I had in my appearance as well. I’ve broken out more in the last four months than in my four years of high school. My body has gone through so many oddities that, trust me, you don’t want to know. Due to Korea’s boldness in speech (and vanity) my kids notice my every flaw when I walk in the classroom. “teacher, why your face red?” “teacher, why no make up?” “teacher, why gray hair, why dark circles” etc, etc.

Anyway, when I come home you’ll hear all the stories. Its just too hard to write everything. Today I just wanted to write informally and without much thought. Just straight this is where my life is right now.

I just got back from a three day weekend in Busan , South Korea. It’s so beautiful there and there are beautiful people there too. But the most beautiful thing I experienced was soaking up God’s creation in a way I hadn’t in nearly five years. The ocean is so beautiful. It really is one of the greatest reminders to me of God’s love. I recall that verse, “I think of you as much as the grains of sand on the shore.” How is that even possible? How is that even fair? And this is the same God people put in a box and say, “a loving God wouldn’t do this, a just God wouldn’t allow that.” I’m realizing more and more how my theo-LOGICAL arguments weigh thin when I go to an ocean or a mountain and realize that I am such a small part of this big world that he orders and is the King over. And as small as I am, I can take a small part of it but as soon as I capitalize on my greatness, and essentially take role as the Creator though I am only the created, that is when I lose feeling, that is when it is harder for me to love others and myself. Because loving others truly does happen out of love for God.

Love God. Love others. I don’t think you can have the “others” without “God.”

And sometimes you need to leave. Just go somewhere where you can see his love and remember…how he loves us so. Its painted all over the world. It truly is there, even in brokenness, heaviness of heart, and pain.

Jesus, we truly can’t live without you. In pain we cry maranatha and in joy we cry maranatha, because we learn that we only really come alive when we are in your presence. When time stops and we realize your love and beauty will never be captured by logic or theo-logic.