Well, I guess this is news many will want to hear: I'm not staying another year in South Korea...at least, I'm not staying next year. They asked me and I said no. In a lot of ways I really wasn't sure what the right decision was. I have reasons to not stay and then good reasons to stay. But whenever I was asked, I couldn't find it in me to say yes. And I'm at peace with that. I think I knew that answer all along, but its weird saying it. This has been my life for the last year and a half and when I leave permanently for two years. That's a long time. Maybe not to some, but to me. Every time I go home I go back to my normal life (without a job that is) before coming here. My friends, family, lifestyle, interests. I don't know how I feel about that. I've learned so much here, but I don't know how to process it in the States. I don't want to forget.
I can't tell if the last couple of weeks have been confirmation of my decision or just full blown attack. I feel like everyday I find a reason to be frustrated with the culture I'm living in, particularly the school culture. It's not the classes or students anymore though, its the overall work environment. This culture puts more pressure on people than I could have imagined. It's wicked and oppressive. And unfortunately, its even at my Christian school. No matter how hard you work it never feels like it is enough. Someone always expects you to do more, even after you work a hard, full long day, and there is little encouragement for this hard work you do. For those like me who need words of affirmation, this is emotionally exhausting and physically draining. And every teacher deals with this.
The school owns us. It dictates and controls what we do. If there is an event at last minute or announcement your personal time is hardly considered. You just do it. Your time is owned by them and everyone knows it. When you can't stay an extra hour or two after a nine hour day they don't understand. Why on earth would you have plans after school? Why would you have a life or another ministry or community? That's how I feel. And if I ask questions that challenge the system it's burdensome. I was even told last week directly and indirectly that sharing my questions is a burden.
When I'm with the students I come alive. Maybe I'm starting to become a real teacher. Because every time I'm in the office before and after class, I shut down.
My ninth and tenth graders have to stay at school until eight or nine pm these days. And some teachers have to stay and supervise them. Including some with families, like Mrs. Kim, who's family I use to live with. She hardly sees her kids during the week because she's putting in ten and twelve hour days. When I asked her about it, she just shook her head like that's just the way it is. I asked her why the parents can't just help their kids study at home and why they have to be at school. She said they are trying to help the parents and teach the kids how to study well. Come on, parents! What the hell are YOU doing? How is this a church-school-home community when the school is doing EVERYTHING?? Why is family a secondary priority? Of course no one would admit this is the case, but look around. It is.
I thought this was a school trying to be salt and light in the world. Raising students to be culture changers and effective leaders, not giving in to their oppressive way of life because that's the way it is. How are we any different? And how are the students suppose to see that we are different? I don't think they can.
I know every school, not just in Korea but other countries too have this problem. I'm sure if I were at any Christian school there would always be something. And maybe they just think 'we can't do everything' so they just settle to abide by the culture around them in certain ways. Maybe that's all we can do...
But is that what Jesus taught? Should we just settle? Recently, in my life I've been really concerned with the Christian language I hear from myself and those close to me. It's almost like we'll just do the best we can to scrape by, but since we can't do everything we'll just settle for whatever we can in some cases. You have a sinful addiction? Well, it'll probably never really go away so we'll just settle for 'its getting better." Is this really what we are called to do? Is this really living by the gospel?
I'm not saying we should strive for perfection. Believe me, I've tried that for 25 years and that is certainly not the way to go. But I am saying that we are image bearers, and because of the cross and resurrection we have the hope of true redemption. This means we don't have to be perfect. It also means we absolutely cannot ever settle for leftovers or scraping by or "at least I"m not doing x" or "its getting better" or "we can't do everything at our school to submit to the way of Christ."
The way of Christ is narrow. It's upside down. It's culture changing. It's subversive. Just look at the way he died. We are not called to settle.
I know I sound really dark lately. Maybe it's the state of my heart. My student wrote to me "I have many scratches on my soul these days. I should go see Jesus the doctor." I sobbed. She's right.
In many ways I think I should suck it up and not say a word. I should honor my leaders right? And who am I to speak out, when I have so much wrong in my own heart? Am I just being a baby and overreacting?
Every soul has their scratches. But those in Him know personally the Physician who is constantly at work healing. And while he heals our souls, he gives us the power to heal others too. Maybe what comes with this is turning things upside down for His name's sake. Let's pray we don't settle for the bare minimum, but always strive for the Kingdom coming through Christ's power, and show those without hope that there is better and He is alive.
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